To Follow My Heart

Hi, my candies. :)
How are you all when reading this?


I hope everything goes well.
This week has made me think so much about us.
About Bluedjefv.
Hey this is not gonna be a sad post.
So don't read it melancholicly. :)
But this gonna be a heartwarming post.


What I feel about us is,
Sometimes we just hanging out, spending time together,
well, maybe to some of you, it is fun and didn't have any problem with that.
But somehow,
I feel like we didn't really open up.
We didn't really care, we didn't really have an emotional attachment.
Maybe iya, beberapa dg beberapa ada kedekatan.
Yes.


I have share this to one of you, like 2 or 3 days ago.
And we have almost the same thought about Bluedjefv.
And I am not trying to explain, complaint, or to give advises and bla bla bla.
Cause I'm not the one who are appropriate to do this.
And I am the one who should try and try to live with Bluedjefv.
And I guess everyone do the same thing,
it is not just me who are going through this kind of feeling.


Hey, do you realize something,
Are we really care about jess or sisca? Or somebody who felt abandoned?


Jes, how have you been doing?
Yes, I know your answer will be you are okay.
Jes, I want you to know that,
I am proud of you.
I am proud of you, who loves Juned so deeply.
Please forgive us, we often say things not good about Juned.
We are not you, we didn't feel your love to Juned, or Juned's love to you.
And the fact that all these years, all you've been through with Juned,
prooves that Juned really can give you a happiness that we even can't imagine how it means to you.
So Jess, please keep holding on to what makes you really feel happy.
This is silly,
But even if you have to choose Juned before us, it is very okay.
Cause, persahabatan takkan menghalangi apapun.
And you must know,
You have to know that, n
No matter when or where you need us (or me), I will really be there.


To Sisca,
Hey girl,
I'm so sorry that sometimes we plan things in front of you, but we didn't even ask you to join.
And I too, didn't really aware of this.
This must be so hurt and so "shit".
Hahaha
a little hard to describe.
But I understand your feeling when suddenly you see posts from us,
and you're not there, you're not invited either just because of we already knew your answer.
Hey babe, you know what...
From now on, you don't have to feel like this anymore.
I will accompany you, I will remember to ask you, I will stay there for you.
Forgive us.
I know even if I didn't ask your forgiveness, you already are forgiving us every time.
Every time.
Cause you have a kind heart, a loving heart for us,
because you're hearing what God tells you to do.
But what I hope when typing this was,
I can make you feel better inside.
And can be the mate of your soul. :)


Maybe there's just too many to type.
Still so many things and feelings we hide inside.
Oh, you know what,
I am trying to really hide my tears.
Because I'm typing this in campus.
Took me so long to type.


To Jn,
Our youngest one,
Maybe you're the youngest,
But you have the "most sexy bottom" among us. Hahaha
So don't feel little, unless you like to feeling little so others can protect you. :)
I am confused of what Im saying now. Hahaha
Jn, don't lose hope. He will come. :)
Maybe I don't really know what happened to you,
It is not because I don't care.
But sometimes, it just felt like too many masks.
We are wearing too many masks.
I hope we all can take it off, one day, not just Jn and me.
But all of us.


I know and I understands that,
it is almost impossible to being close to everyone.
But at least, let us love everyone unconditionally.
People said that only God's love is unconditional.
But I believe,
I have faith that,
we too have an unconditional love, because God creates us.
So there must be a little part of God inside us.
So nothing really is impossible.


Sal, kel, and des.
Three of you are the farthest from me.
Lives in a different places, do different things.
But in this world, everything is different.
Nothing is exactly the same.
Even a married couple sleep each different ways and different directions,
it is impossible to hug each other all night long.
Must be so "pegal-pegal" if you sleep and hug each other the whole night long. Hahaha
But the thing is,
Even if we're different and far, we still show our care.
We still can be a good companion for each other.
Not just some having fun or hanging out companion, but to share the very little things in life.
To try to comfort and have each other in "that" connected way.
Hmm, I don't think I describe it good,
but I hope you guys understand what I truly mean.


To Ev,
One thing you must know,
Please let us stay friends.
Let us stay the way we should be.
I wanna tell you, I don't give a shit to him.
(I mean I don't have any feelings to him, you know that,
because I am truly blessed to met Ko Har,
dan aku berharap bisa berjuang bersama Ko Har,
sampai suatu hari kami bisa menjadikan sesama sebagai keluarga,
membangun keluarga and have a "realistic-forever" in real life).
But one thing I must tell you that,
Even if I don't love him anymore,
sometimes seeing you guys in front of me,
its like open up an old-wound.

I truly deeply have let him go.
I don't have any shit feelings towards him except he is a very ordinary friend.
But seeing you guys do something that he maybe used to do to me,
its like kinda awkward.
Strange and make me feel a little cornered.
Please forgive me if you have any unpleased feeling because of me saying this.
You have the right to love anybody,
and nobody gonna stops you.
But sometimes,
no one in Bluedjefv has ever asked me how I feel to see you guys,
made me feel I am so abandoned.
Its like on one ever cares me.
This is true.
Maybe I hide it well.
So all of you think that I'm okay,
and all of you didn't even ask me cause you know I will be answering I am okay with that.
But what I feel,
Bluedjefv is ignoring me, and if I can say one thing,
The Bluedjefv always afraid to speak the truth,
afraid to speak sensitive things.
It is not the way how we respect each other.
A best friend know how to care,
how to communicate with each other in a no-offense way.


And Ev, I will support you.
Truly deeply from the inside.
If anybody here,
don't take me as a best friend, I'm okay with it.
Because I too, sometimes didn't feel us as a best friend.
But today, I am hearing my heart,
Hear what my heart says what I must do.
So please, cobalah untuk memaklumiku.
Mungkin aku butuh waktu, atau mungkin aku harus sering membawa Ko Har kalau kita semua ada keluar bareng.
And Ko har is willing to do that now.
He is willing to accompany me to hang out with you guys (except the ladies only day).
So I don't have to feel strange, awkward when seeing you two together.
Ev, so are we okay now?


Actually I feel that we should do it face to face.
But it is not a suitable way for us.
So from deep inside,
I'm asking for your understanding.
Maybe you would think I am a narrow-hearted person.
But it truly don't look so easy to deal with.
Honestly, its hard to deal.
If anyone here been in my position, they will know.


Hahaha
But when I finally saying all this,
I feel a little relief inside.
So Ev,
Are we still the way we were?
:)


Let's take a break, I have to do my assignments first.




Hmmm... here we go,




This last one.
One girl that really amazed me of how her heart can love so much.
I mean,
she is just like a having tons of love in her little heart,
and I am so afraid that it would all burst out. Haha
Hi, Ver, this is you I'm talking about.
You really are the proof of this sentence
"Love like you've never been hurt"
You love a person as if you don't get hurt before. :)
Capacity of your love is amazing.
And girls, this is one thing that we should learn from her.
:)


Each of you are special to me.
And yes, I admit that some of us isn't the same type person.
But who cares,
This means that we are fighting for each other.
Gaining each other's heart.


No one is sadder,
no one gets through the hardest.
Everyone had their hardest moments.
But I want Bluedjefv as a place for me to become a better person.
A better and better person.




God bless Bluedjefv,
Love to you all.
:* :)



(P.S. I hope the feeling you received from me when reading this,
is the same feeling I wanted to say to you guys).



Sorry for any wrong grammars.
Who cares. :)



God bless us. 😘😘